If Only He Were Mine
by Casanova's True Love
Summary: Sirius’ musings on his unrequited love for Remus ‘I……… place a soft kiss on his lips.’ RLSB SLASH unrequited. Don't like, don't read. Rated T for mild swearing, the fword at the end, and slash.


**If Only He Were Mine**

**Summery: **Sirius' musings on his unrequited love for Remus 'I……… place a soft kiss on his lips.' RLSB SLASH unrequited.

**Warnings: **Slash, Angst. Don't like, don't read.

**A/n: **Just a short fic to ease myself into the fan fiction world. I am posting a sequel to this from Remus' POV next week sometime. I hope you like it!

_**If Only He Were Mine**_

He is unlike anything I've ever seen before, beautiful, smart and brave. I don't know how I could have been so close to him all these years and not noticed. And now that I have I can barely keep my eyes off him. How could I have not fallen in love with him sooner? Did I say love? I meant lust, simple lust. Only lust doesn't keep you awake at night with longing to be with them forever. Lust doesn't make you want to spend every minute of every day by their side. Lust doesn't fill you up until you can't think of anything else. Oh crap, this must be love. But having never been in love before this I can't really be sure. Maybe I should go ask Remus. Except I can't, because in case you couldn't tell I've been talking about him this whole time. I could always ask James I suppose; he should know having been in love with Lily all these years. But then I'd have to explain how I feel and well … transfiguration? Charms? Easy. Explaining to your best friend who sees you as like a brother, that you're gay? Hard. This is the sort of they should teach in schools. And I can't ask Peter, because just no. This brings me back to Remus, who I could tell if I said things like "well you see I have this friend who thinks he might love this other friend I have but he's not sure." but he'd still be able to tell I was talking about him and me. In fact anyone could but Remus is the only one who definitely can't know. Because, even if he didn't hate me and out me to the whole school, it would still be awkward. And our friendship would still be ruined. And if he did by chance out me to the whole school my reputation would be ruined. And James would probably not speak to me, if only because I didn't tell him first. So I'd have no friends and my reputation would be shot. Sounds great. And in case you were wondering I am still changing girlfriends every other week. It's just that lately they all look at least a little like Remus. And given that he's such a smart guy I'm surprised that he hasn't noticed yet.

Speaking of Remus' smartness I need to get his approval on the new proposed prank on the Slytherins. James and I always get Remus' approval on big pranks so that he can tell whether or not we can do it without getting in too much trouble. Well that's why James's seeks his approval and why I used to. But nowadays I seek it just because I can't live without it. He has become my reason for being and I need to know that what I'm doing is ok with him.

Its too bad he's straight as arrow. He got himself a girlfriend the other day, his first I think, the first I've known about anyway. I thought I was going to die from jealousy when I found out. But I just smiled politely and clapped him on the back, congratulating him, perhaps a little too loudly. And then I went into our dorm and smashed my favourite framed picture of the two of us. I know shouldn't love him, that he'll never feel the same way about me but I can't help it. I can remember a time when I didn't love him but I can't imagine a time in the future where I won't. And every night, when I'm sure he and everyone else are asleep, to both punish and reward myself for getting through another day without telling him how I feel, I get up from my bed and walk over to his, lean over him and place a soft kiss on his lips. Then I return to my own bed, whispering I love you as I go, and cry myself to sleep.

Now tell me, how fucking pathetic does that make me?

**A/n: **It wasn't too bad was it? Please Review. Constructive criticism is welcome but please try and be nice as this is my first fanfic.


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